Curious Emotions #SelfCare Sundays 7

‘We need to be curious about our emotions. We need to know a little bit about something to be curious. So get to know your emotions’. Brene Brown

In the time I gave myself I accepted my feelings. The vulnerability, the fear, the fact that I am not perfect. I had no idea as to where I was going but I knew I needed to keep going. Is it because my ancestors ran for centuries…hiding and running so they could survive? Is that where I gained my strength from, my faith, my determination? I had walked on egg shells for so long that clarity did not exist within me.

In my first term of university I realised Law was not for me. Despite this I graduated. I had fallen into depression doing something I hated for three years but I had not fallen deep enough. I sunk and sunk hard. I had no self esteem but people continued to tell me I was pretty and pay me for my beauty. I revelled in pretty girl privilege. It didn’t mean I felt it inside but it did mean I was allowed in places where they accepted versions of Naomi Campbell and absolutely no other type of black girl.

It took me a while (7years) to realise how often I was the token black girl. Even as far as some of my mixed race friends. This became more evident when being black became a trend. When working class status became the new cool I had a lot of new white girl friends, excited to show me off…I was so black (darkskinned) with such a South London accent…like a monkey in a cage my life became entertainment to these white people. Now that I have read more about my history…my black skin was always entertainment to these people. Something they could play with and manipulate within the media. All of these experiences hurt me, they were violent to my soul. When I started to acknowledge these experiences stand alone, I started my journey of self discovery.

My emotional intelligence when I started counselling was zero. I knew I was hurting deeply but that was all. Counselling helped unravel all of this.