‘We need to be curious about our emotions. We need to know a little bit about something to be curious. So get to know your emotions’. Brene Brown
In the time I gave myself I accepted my feelings. The vulnerability, the fear, the fact that I am not perfect. I had no idea as to where I was going but I knew I needed to keep going. Is it because my ancestors ran for centuries…hiding and running so they could survive? Is that where I gained my strength from, my faith, my determination? I had walked on egg shells for so long that clarity did not exist within me.
In my first term of university I realised Law was not for me. Despite this I graduated. I had fallen but not far enough. I sunk and sunk hard. I had no self esteem but people continued to tell me I was pretty and pay me for my beauty. I revelled in pretty girl privilege. It didn’t mean I felt it inside but it did mean I was allowed in places where they accepted versions of Naomi Campbell and absolutely no other type of black girl. It took me a while to realise how often I was the token black girl. Even as far as my mixed race friends, especially when black became a trend. When working class status became the new cool I had a lot of new white girl friends, excited to show off my South London accent…like a monkey in a cage my life was entertainment. All of these experiences hurt me, they were violent to my soul. When I started to acknowledge these experiences stand alone I started my journey of self discovery.
My emotional intelligence when I started counselling was zero. I knew I was hurting deeply but that was all. Counselling helped unravel all of this.
MUA Tesh Lewis
Hairstylist Rohmarra Kerr
Stylist Amie Wolfe
*Disclaimer: These posts were written last year (2017) Visuals shot (2018).