If Not Love Then What

Whats in your love tank?

Its valentines day this weekend! I decided to do a bit of digging and diving to find out the secrets to a successful loving relationship.


Gary Chapman is convinced there are 5 basic love languages. In his book ‘The five love languages’ Gary outlines five different ways we emotionally express love calling them – Love Languages.


First we have Gifts – receiving and giving gifts. Quality time – spending quality time giving undivided attention. Words of affirmation – expressing your love via words. Acts of service – physically doing something for your other half, big or small. Last but not least Physical touch – intimacy on a small or big level, such as stroking your partners hands/hair etc.


Your partner and loved ones will have one primary and one secondary love language that you must learn to speak if you want that person to feel loved.


In order to figure out your own love language you must observe the way you express love to others. People naturally tend to give love in the way they like to receive it.



So I think the majority of us appreciate a fabulous gift every now and then…I know I do! However for some reason I’ve become overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety about making sure I can to reciprocate their efforts. This kind of kills the enjoyment of the present itself. I am told this is not the ideal way of thinking…a gift is not a loan. Maybe because the ‘gifts’ I’ve received from men have always been in return for something. When my friends give me gifts I know its a genuine and i don’t feel any anxiety when accepting them. As much as I love gifts it is not my language for love.


Quality time

I am so here for quality time. Good conversation and better vibes. I have no filter when it comes to questions, I don’t pretend or try to play it cool. From my experience, quality time is definitely one of my languages of love. The more time I spend with someone the more I like them or don’t like them. It consolidates whatever I’m feeling. Energy is important to me. Its taken me a while to realise this and acknowledge the many years wasted around bad energy. Now I know the importance of being in tune with my feelings…I value my time highly and in that time I want undivided attention from my other half.



Words of affirmation

Words do not mean much to me. Too many people say a lot and do the opposite. Action speaks louder than words. However my baby cousin is a sucker for words. She needs to hear ‘I love you’ from her family and friends. She needs me to tell her that I think she’s great rather than me showing her. She needs the words and she appreciates them. Part of figuring out your love languages is realising the love language of others. When I say others I mean the people you care about and the people you are around the most. It makes an easier life knowing how to show love to those around you.


Acts of service (Devotion)

Judging from how I rate my own acts of service I would say this is my secondary love language. If I do something for someone it means a lot and I expect it to be acknowledged. The acts of service can be small or big but whatever I’m doing I’m doing it with love.


Physical touch (Intimacy)

I’m not sure about physical touch. At this moment of time I’m trying to embrace things like hugs which overtime I have grown to hate. I’m guessing it depends on how much I like the person but physical touch is not something that comes natural to me. I like my space. If this is one of your spouses love languages, they will like nothing more than when you take the initiative to reach out and touch them.


So there you have it! Find out your unique personality preferences and fill up your love tank. Its easier to tell someone what you do like as opposed to what you don’t like. Apparently your love language never changes but they will over time develop and need to be nurtured in different ways. Which makes sense when you look at the growth of a relationship.


More importantly learn what to do and say to fill up your loved ones love tanks too. If you really care for someone you will respect the different ways they love to love and act accordingly.


Photography Sam Travis

Styling Alex Canizaires

Cap CdotArthur

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