‘Did you want to die?’…’No, I just didn’t want to hurt anymore.’
To discover ones purpose one must be able to think clearly. 2017 was a break through year for me. I had a chance to stand still and look at life as if I had already lived it. Truth be told I had lived. I had experienced so much trauma without acknowledging it as trauma. It was time for me to reflect on my life thus the trials and tribulations.
‘Did you want to die?’…’No, I just didnt want to hurt anymore.’ Iyanla Vanzant
When I heard Iyanla Vanzant utter these words, I did nothing but nod. I was residing in a dark place to shield myself from anymore pain. The years prior to 2017 were home to toxic relationships, continuous cycles and when I looked back I did not like what I saw. The abusive situations, regressive friendships, racist coworkers and flatmates had me reevaluating my existence. I had to dig deeper.
I dug into the depths of darkness until I hit my foundation. My family, my upbringing. My depression took me to the very place I was running from. The moment I accepted my dad was abusive was the moment my heart shattered into a million pieces. I did not want to be the woman with the abusive dad and the daddy issues. My dad…the first man in my life. The foundation of my being was littered with trauma and bad treatment that eventually echoed in every aspect of my life.
The understanding was a painful but necessary process. It was the first step to finding peace. I had to accept the need to talk to someone about the experiences I had suppressed. It was an act of self love. To invest my time back into me. Reflecting on the bad choices I made that allowed all kinds of abuse to take place, both past and present, otherwise it would continue to leak into my future.
- Acceptance is an act of Self Love
Acceptance is an act of self love, I am grateful I took that first step. I am grateful for the depressive state I was in which forced me to pause. I had been depressed for a while but my social lifestyle made it easy to hide…even from myself. Everyone recognised the smile with no light behind my eyes. I had to accept that it was not real and I had to pause.
Tog Danika Magdelena
MUA Giselle Ali
Hairstylist Lu’s Curls
Stylist Amie Wolfe
*Disclaimer: These posts were written last year (2017) Visuals shot (2018).